Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice what could be attributed to incompetence.

Gillette’s razor: Five blades for the closest shave imaginable.

They laughed when I bought a St. Joseph figurine to help sell my house, but they’re not laughing now that I bought 38 more and play with my army of St. Josephs all night.

“Gravity’s Rainbow” by Pynchon is the most sophisticated writing I’ve ever come across, followed closely by the advertisement “guy saying wassup”

Select title: Mr. Mrs. Ms.

“ugh, they never have ‘ra ra’” - rasputin

Wife: um, where’s the baby?

Me, patting my pockets: oh shit, I left it at home

Urinary incontinence is no laughing matter. Unless, of course, someone writes a good joke about it.