oh ok now i get it

David: Promise you won’t show this to anyone

Michelangelo: ok

People checking the door while I’m in a public bathroom:

“I hate to be that guy, but…” — people who love to be that guy.

Car hack: If your check engine light comes on, a small piece of duct tape will cover it right up.

1/5 stars - Not enough salt.

The Count getting his daily steps: …nine thousand seven hundred twenty one steps. Ah ah ah. Nine thousand seven hundred twenty two steps. Ah ah ah…

Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its impact on one’s mind, when thrown with some force.

My 6 favourite zodiac signs ✨

First time trying rapeseed oil—not a fan.

I’ll definitely be sticking with consensualsexseed oil.

Pro tip: take off windshield wipers to avoid parking tickets.

Have you guys checked out this book? Only halfway through but I’ve already learned so much

“Gravity’s Rainbow” by Pynchon is the most sophisticated writing I’ve ever come across, followed closely by the advertisement “guys saying wassup”

Urinary incontinence is no laughing matter.

Unless, of course, someone writes a good joke about it.

Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice what could be attributed to incompetence.

Gillette’s razor: Five blades for the closest shave imaginable.

They laughed when I bought a St. Joseph figurine to help sell my house, but they’re not laughing now that I bought 38 more and play with my army of St. Josephs all night.

Select title: Mr. Mrs. Ms.

Rasputin: ugh, they never have ‘ra ra’

Wife: um, where’s the baby?

Me, patting my pockets: oh shit, I left it at home