: oh ok now i get it

: David: Promise you won’t show this to anyone Michelangelo: ok

: People checking the door while I’m in a public bathroom:

: “I hate to be that guy, but…” — people who love to be that guy.

: Car hack: If your check engine light comes on, a small piece of duct tape will cover it right up.

: 1/5 stars - Not enough salt.

: The Count getting his daily steps: …nine thousand seven hundred twenty one steps. Ah ah ah. Nine …

: Don’t judge a book by its cover, but by its impact on one’s mind, when thrown with some …

: My 6 favourite zodiac signs ✨

: First time trying rapeseed oil—not a fan. I’ll definitely be sticking with consensualsexseed …

: Pro tip: take off windshield wipers to avoid parking tickets.

: Have you guys checked out this book? Only halfway through but I’ve already learned so much

: “Gravity’s Rainbow” by Pynchon is the most sophisticated writing I’ve ever come across, followed …

: Urinary incontinence is no laughing matter. Unless, of course, someone writes a good joke about it.

: Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice what could be attributed to incompetence. Gillette’s …

: They laughed when I bought a St. Joseph figurine to help sell my house, but they’re not laughing now …

: Select title: Mr. Mrs. Ms. Rasputin: ugh, they never have ‘ra ra’

: Wife: um, where’s the baby? Me, patting my pockets: oh shit, I left it at home